Fear: My Fickle Fiendish Friend

I'm going to be very honest with you, which I always try to accomplish in my posts, but right now in particular I think it's important that I remind the reader (you) of my perpetual attempt to reach for truth in a tantalizing environment. Why such a prologue, you ask? In this personal divulgence of the truth I am also going to uncover a vulnerability of mine. No one likes to do that. Still, I feel that by baring my weakness - my fear - I will help others appreciate their own similar sentiments. And compose an interesting read. Having said this, I begin:

Entering the realm of creativity is both frightful and fantastic. I greatly enjoy stumbling upon new ideas, be they stories, essays, designs, drawings, etcetera. The nature of these activities means I never know what's next. If I did, then my ideas wouldn't be new and certainly not exciting. Because of this, there is a omnipresent Fearfiend riding a golden snake pulsing in the back of my mind, looping through my occipital lobe and lounging on my cerebellum, spiking worries that I may run out of creativity, that my current piece will be my final piece, that I might never come up with another new and exciting idea. These worries are, of course, entirely plausible, because I don't know what any new idea will be until I come up with it.

A creativity exercise: Splat some ink in your sketchbook and see what you come up with.

This fear is something I am perpetually conscious of, and something that I will never be fully comfortable with. At times, it can be debilitating: there have been instances where I didn't attempt to create because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to produce. More often, however, my fear is a fuel that drives me to keep working. I use it to channel the challenge, the excitement, the vulnerability, into the process. This usually leads to good work.

Thus, I am grateful for it. I would be worried if I weren't afraid to fail. Not being afraid implies that one has too much confidence. Being over-confident is much more dangerous than being fearful. To believe that I can always produce good work is arrogant, and arrogance is poison, no matter the activity. The more one believes his work is infallible, the less effort put forth, and, ultimately, the shoddier the product.

Do not confuse fear with under-confidence, however; I am aware of my ability to wield the tools that produce works both prosaic and picturesque. Words, lines, and colors can be my weapons of mass construction. (My drawing skills are not where I'd like them to be, but as long as I'm working on it, that's okay.) Still, they are only tools. If a man has a wrench but no nut to tighten, his tool is of little use, and no work is done. If that same man doesn't have a wrench, but finds a nut to tighten, he can use his fingers and still get work done. The true difficulty is not using my tools - because they are only a means - but using my mind.

If you also feel this way, embrace your fear, because it is what makes life and your efforts interesting. People don't skydive because it's safe, they do it because it's thrilling. Ray Bradbury said it best:

"You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

So next time you're at the top of a cliff and you're thinking about jumping, just jump. (Unless you're at an actual cliff.)

[If you liked this post you may also like Architect v. Archaeologist: A Lesson Learned.]